I call uncle


In the United States and Canada, the idiomatic expression "Say 'uncle'!" may be used as an imperative command to demand submission of one's opponent, such as during an informal wrestling match. Similarly, the exclamation "Uncle!" is an indication of submission – analogous to "I give up" – or it may be a cry for mercy, in such a game or match.

I'm not sure where the fuck I stand in this new dynamic, but I'm feeling like at the bottom of the list, or second to the bottom. To think people may wonder why I want to move. It's not to run or hide from anything perse, as I have expressed my displeasure with at least one of the parties involved. The other two are either too young to even know me, and the other is probably the influence to the problem.

I had to laugh, actually I wanted to cry but that would have just brought unwanted attention to me at work. In the paper on Thursday of this week there was a "Dear Annie" article that almost hit home;

Family time lacking for grandma

Dear Annie: My daughter- in-law doesn’t seem to realize that some of the things she does really hurt me. I’ve always been there for my son and daughter-in-law. I try very hard to be a good mother-in-law. I never interfere. I never show up without calling, and I hardly ever ask them for help because I know how busy they are.

I have changed my plans and moved my work schedule around so I could baby-sit, take my grandchild to some activities or watch their house and pets while they’ve gone away (which I’ve been happy to do because it makes their lives easier).

Her mom is not reliable and not allowed to baby-sit because she can’t be trusted. I’m asked to do most things, which I don’t mind, but I feel as though her mother gets invited to so much, whereas I have to ask. She just shows up at their house anytime and sleeps over for every holiday, and that seems to be OK with them.

I try to make time for my grandchild, but it seems that unless I’m baby-sitting, I don’t get the same respect and leniency as the other grandmother. I’m often told they need family time when I ask to be more involved, which I keep to a minimum so as not to intrude. On one very special occasion, her mother knew what I was buying for my grandchild (which was supposed to be sentimental between my grandchild and me) and basically bought the same thing and gave it to her first. My daughter-in-law was aware of the gift I had gotten and how excited I was but allowed it all to happen anyway.

Her mother is included in getting my grandchild ready for special events. Yet I’m told things will be too hectic. I can’t say anything because my daughter-in-law has a short fuse at times, and my son doesn’t get involved.

I’m just afraid I’m losing the closeness that I had with my grandchild, and I’m really at a loss as to what to do next. Please help.

— Left Out In California

Dear Left Out: It’s time to stop bending over backward for them and start standing up for yourself. Flexibility and generosity are great attributes — but without communication, they’re a recipe for resentment.

Talk to your son about how you’re feeling. Let him know that you respect their need for space and family time but you don’t want the only time you see them to be when they’re dropping off your granddaughter to be babysat. And you shouldn’t only get to see your granddaughter when you’re baby-sitting her. Express your desire to be there for special events. And set personal boundaries, such as deciding not to rearrange your work schedule just so you can baby-sit.

Whatever happens, know that their deferral to her mother is most likely a matter not of playing favorites but of avoiding fights. It sounds as though she has some serious personality issues that they’re just trying to manage.

Albeit I'm not the grandmother in this instance, I do as the grandfather have very similar issues with a bit of different dynamics going on. I have talked with my son and expressed my concerns and feelings, and he has assured me that what I am perceiving as reality, is in fact wrong.

But nothing has changed.

I have given up and I'm living my life as I see fit, along with my loving wife. If our family doesn't want us involved, then I can't change that. I'm done talking and asking to be involved. I'll continue to do what I can when asked and help when needed, but I'm done trying. When they can make plans with every other family member on a weekly basis, visit them on almost a weekly basis, but only come visit my wife and I for the obligatory holiday, I'm done. I'm fucking done.

Fathers day is just around the corner, I suspect they'll come around, but I'm not waiting. I'm making my plans now.

Never thought I'd be a grandfather without a grandson...

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